Learning to Live with Fear

As I have gotten older and made my way through my profession, my perspective has changed on a variety of concepts that are often viewed as counterproductive.

For example, the term “perfectionism” gets a bad rap. While trying to be perfect may not be achievable, striving for perfection might allow you to perform to your fullest capabilities.

Another example is the phrase “no regrets”, as in you want to avoid these situations at all costs. However, I have discovered that you can learn a great deal from the situations. I regret gambling my money away in my early adulthood because I felt financially handcuffed for an extended period of time, but what that taught me was the value of saving money.

Lastly, the phrase “fear of failure” is often something that leaves individuals paralyzed because they place an emphasis on the result itself. However, that same fear can motivate an individual to challenge themself and to reach new heights. Therefore, learning to live with and accept your fears can help you fuel your actions to become something greater.

What is Fear?

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is a threat to your well-being. Fear can show up in a variety of ways, but some of the more common ones (at least in my life) are the fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and the fear of not being good enough.

With the fear of failure, you are controlled by the threat of failing in your attempt to display competency. Nobody wants to look bad or inadequate, but often times this fear may lead you to be more hesitant, which ultimately leads to you coming up short in your performance. With the fear of the unknown, you are controlled by the threat of not knowing how things are going to turn out. The mind does not like ambiguous information or situations, therefore, the mind creates a narrative in order to fill in the gaps. So not only is there a fear of not knowing what is next, but the narratives created are likely causing you to experience more stress. With the fear of not being good enough, which has some overlap with fear failure; it is less about the outcome and more about your current skill set and who you are as a person.

I have experienced these fears many times throughout my life and my goal was to eliminate them at all costs. However, that only seemed to intensify each one of them. The moment I started to experience failure, that fear came roaring back. The moment I tell myself, “It will be fine,” my mind fires back and tells me, “You do not know that.” The moment I noticed that I did not have the skills required, that fear turned into a personal label. It was not until I learned that fear is a normal aspect of life, and that learning to live with my fears, could actually help me cope with them in the moment. So that is what I did.

Living With Fear

There are several ways to deal with each of the fears you may experience. First is to start with a reflective practice. Being able to write and reflect about your fears can provide a more objective perspective on those experiences.

Questions to ask yourself include: What is the fear? When do I notice it? What is happening with my body/mind? What is causing this fear? What skills/knowledge do I possess that could help? Each of these questions allow you to build self-awareness on the fear itself, and what you can do to help manage them more effectively.

Another strategy to practice is mindfulness. With any fear, often your mind travels to the future and the bad that could happen, but also to the past and why this is happening in the first place. Mindfulness allows you to be more accepting of your present moment experiences in a non-judgmental way, which frees up mental resources and brings your attention back to the present. Mindfulness can be practiced through focusing on your breathing, and each time you get distracted or your mind wanders, gently guide your attention back to the sensations of your breath. You can also label your experiences by saying, “I am experiencing the emotion of anger,” which acknowledges the experience, versus “I am angry”, which creates a personal attachment and is more judgmental in nature.

Finally, you can establish more process-oriented reminders to not only keep you present, but also to focus on what you control. This can be in conjunction with mindfulness, as mindfulness can get you back to the present moment, and then your process-oriented reminders can guide your attention to what you want to do in that moment. For example, if you are giving a presentation and the fear of failure kicks in, remind yourself of the preparation you did, tell yourself to breath, or tell yourself to “put one foot in front of the other.” Any word or statement to guide your attention to the task at hand.

Final Thoughts

The key to keeping your fears from controlling you is to allow yourself to experience them. The moment you try to avoid them is the moment they win.

Experiencing fear is a natural human emotion, so allow your fears to show them self, but then use that experience to fuel your actions in a more productive way.